Am I Making Things Harder For Myself Because I'm Bored?

Maybe bored isn't the right word.* Instead, I wonder if I'm not being intellectually challenged, and if this is the reason for my constant self-sabotage.

I started this blog because I'm struggling, and I thought I might be able to help others while helping myself. Yet I'm still struggling, too much to be of use to anyone, least of all myself, because I'm not producing.

I think there are other reasons at play here, including: Parkinson's Law,
lived experience and the force of habit, the nature of my brain (ADHD, OCD), a vague sense of threat to my nervous system about what finally overcoming these struggles might mean.*

But I'm starting to suspect that these other things might compounding a greater, simpler problem: under-engaged, under-stimulated intellectually.

I wonder why I can solve problems at work, why I work well under the pressure of a real (not self-imposed) deadline. And how I was able to achieve so much in my past. I marvel at the stacked schedule. I excelled in AP courses and babysat every M-F for a few hours after school. The effort I put in astounds me. I admire my younger self. What happened to her?

I miss the breakthrough feeling of finally making sense of something after a period of learning and intense study: the triumph after the struggle. I used to chase that feeling, and I thrived academically. I was intense.

Now, I start and stop and let doubt stall my progress. I overcomplicate simple things like mastering a budget and keeping my apartment clean. So instead of following through, I draw out writing ideas, creative projects, by trying to make them grander and more exciting.

I don't want to deny the real challenges of OCD, but I don't want to be a victim to them either. So can I turn overcoming my OCD into the real problem to solve? Into a single, intellectually challenging problem to solve. Not just a means to an end but the end result. Because I know that publishing a blog and sharing my ideas and building a website aren't insurmountable challenges or grand problems to be solved. So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to reframe my many unfinished blog posts and creative projects from being singular challenges into opportunities to practice learning how to get through the one big challenge of OCD.

*Perhaps counterintuitively, boredom can be good thing, by allowing ourselves (our brains) time to thing, to hangout in the "default mode network", we're making space for learning, problem-solving, introspection, emotional processing. Like most things, however, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing - prolonged states of boredom are associated with rumination and depression.